Introducing Sabrina (Sponsored by Nike: The Official Shoe of the Apocalypse
Sure, we’re proud of our kids when they hit the winning basket or make the honor roll. But do we really need to get all Paul Revere about it? (Yes, if you're the one writing this story.)
New Yorkers are a very competitive lot.
Maybe it’s the fast pace of city living. Maybe it’s the scent of money floating uptown from Wall Street. Or maybe the Sashimi at Nobu is laced with equal parts miso and testosterone.
But in the ultimate look-at-me environment, urban dwellers reserve their fiercest spirit of immodesty for one vainglorious task: bragging about their children.
(Photo: HBO/Time Warner)
City-dwelling parents love to tell you how gifted their offspring are.
Have you heard about this future master of the universe?:
Beaumont opens his Fisher-Price cash register with such finesse, the hedge funds have already started circling around his pre-school.
Or this pint-sized prodigy?:
Hollister can count backwards from 100…in ESPERANTO. Harvard and Yale are already at war over her.
[Editor’s Note: “Mia kusenveturilo estas plena da angiloj” is Esperanto for “My hovercraft is full of eels”.]
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Now let’s take a step back for a moment to gain some perspective on why parents ring the bragging bell with such ferocity. A step back to the 18th Century.
Napoleon once said “Men will die for ribbons”.
This is perhaps the most succinct description of human nature I’ve ever heard. What Nappy means is, reward—or in its most primal sense, praise—is among the most powerful motivators in human interaction.
And it’s with the concept of “praise” where many parents start to go askew.
So much of parental praise revolves around the child simply “being” – so smart, so pretty, so wonderful. And we do our kids a disservice when we neglect to include specificity in our praise. We want our children to be so intelligent, so attractive and so amazing because they are an extension of us--and if MY CHILD is wonderful then, by God, so am I. It’s the ultimate validation of our own sense of self-worth.
But see if you can tell the difference between these two statements:
a) Oh, Fontleroy, you are such a brilliant lad! Your League will be covered in Ivy.
b) Son, I am proud that you worked so hard on your science project.
The first statement is what I call “Naked Praise”.
[Editor’s Note: Can John trademark that? Someone get him a lawyer. Wait, John is a lawyer. Hey, why does he have to do everything?!? Leave him alone, you vipers.]
Naked praise is vague and lacks a specific anchor. It rings hollow because it hasn’t been earned by the child.
The second praise statement is explicit. The merit is tied to an act. This is also positive reinforcement for a child’s self-esteem. And what’s more, the second complement is based on the child’s effort as opposed to a result, which encourages them to keep trying harder.
And by puffing up our offspring internally like latex party balloons, bragging is the next logical outer step for parental promotional campaigns.
Naked Praise, Soprano-style: “You Look Good, You Know, Naked”.
(Photo: HBO/ Time Warner)
Bragging about your kids is so…distasteful. It’s a massive turn-off. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.
So it is with a heavy heart (and a heavy dose of Pepcid AC) that I must tell you what an utter genius my daughter Sabrina is.
Sabrina knows life.
Sabrina knows business.
And Sabrina knows marketing, certainly better than anyone over at Wang Computers, as that company has been shut down for, like, 20 years.
So sit back. And let the enlightened wisdom of a three-year old mastermind wash over you like a beached insect at high tide.
Bo Knows Baseball. Bo Knows Football. Sabrina Has No Clue Who The Hell Bo Even Is.
(Photos: Sports Illustrated)
Ok, let’s be clear. Sabrina doesn’t actually KNOW she is kickin’ knowledge like college. The kid is just living her life. But I need to meet my editor’s monthly deadline and this is the best I can do for August.
And now we present:
THE RULES ACCORDING TO SABRINA
(Sponsored by Wang Computers. Isn’t it Time You Got a Wang? TM)
Stating Something is So, Makes it So.
Didn’t The Secret sell 16 jillion copies promoting this very message?
In Sabrina’s world, the power of positivity is contagious. Look at how the Law of Attraction works its potent magic in a simple NYC bike shop.
[Scene] Sabrina enters store with her Mommy. Upon seeing Daddy walk in about five minutes later, she climbs up on a random bike and says:
Daddy, this is my new bike!
Daddy--wrongly assuming his wife had just bought Sabrina the bicycle--responds:
That’s GREAT!! I can’t wait to get it home. You are going to have SO MUCH FUN on that!
And so, the monetary transaction for an over-priced pink-flowered vehicle may now commence.
Damn you, Rhonda Byrne!
At Last…The Secret Revealed! Bike Shops are a Repository for the Dark Arts.
(Photo: Atria Books)
Repetition: The Key to Branding.
Those Beatles songs were so damn catchy! Short verses, leading right back to a relentless chorus played over and over. That was a recipe for conquering America in 1964.
Half a century later, Sabrina looks to conquer the microwavable-breakfast-sandwich-at-an-all-too-ubiquitous-coffee-chain world by coining the term “Whole Egg Sandwich”.
You see, when Sabrina goes to Starbucks (oh, doesn’t YOUR three-year-old genius consume Sumatra Single-Origin?), she likes an egg sandwich. But don’t dare offer her the one with a measly egg white—she wants the "whole" egg (yolk and all). Hence the term Whole Egg Sandwich” which Sabrina has asked for about 800 times over the past two years.
Sabrina’s grandmother quite often takes her to a nearby Starbucks for her favorite treat. Upon my entering that same shop recently, the barista enthusiastically greeted my daughter with “Hi Sabrina – Whole Egg Sandwich today?”.
Even a multi-national chain is hard-pressed to deny Sabrina’s hypnotic powers of repetition.
And imagine what the Beatles could have accomplished if their all-night studio sessions were fueled by Whole Egg Sandwiches, rather than Moroccan prayer hash.
Abbey Road-kill
Branding: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore.
You wanna stake a claim in this world, baby? You need to stand out! And that starts with a name.
Just ask Lady Gaga. Or…um…Sabrina.
Upon hearing the question, “What would you name a little brother or sister?”, Sabrina responded:
Cock-a-Doodle-Doo Cupcake Frosting Stick.
I just hope the new kid doesn’t have to sign a lot of autographs.
I was thinking of calling myself Miss ElectroDancePopOuterSpacePlasticBubblePianoChick but I couldn’t get the URL. Damn you, Go Daddy!
(Photo: bbc.co.uk)
Frozen Dairy is a Random Reward for Parental Greatness. And Tiny Con Artists.
Sabrina [out of the blue]:
I think you deserve some ice cream, Daddy. But I don’t want you to be lonely. So I’ll have some too. [pause] Vanilla.
The Early Bird Gets The…Right to Pay Only $45,446 a Year in College Tuition
Remember that Sopranos episode where Tony takes Meadow to visit colleges in Maine (and as an added bonus, locates a mafia turncoat living there under witness protection and whacks him)? At one point in that episode, the happy dad and daughter shared a trip to Bowdoin College.
Meadow was 18 at the time of her campus tour. Sabrina also visited Bowdoin—at age 3. An attempt at early acceptance? Perhaps. But I think Sabrina had the long-game in mind and simply wanted to negotiate a lock-in of the current tuition rate. This bold move will save her parents approximately $48 million.
That’s just good business sense, any way you whack it.
Although We Didn’t Kill Anyone on Our Maine Visit, There Was an Insolent Lawn Squirrel Who Made Us Quite Irate.
(Photo:HBO/Time Warner)
She Who Knows Pop Culture History Makes a Great Party Guest (Especially at Ones Where They Serve Cocktail Wieners)
On a recent Sunday morning making breakfast with an 80’s shuffle soundtrack in the background, a Michael Jackson tune popped onto the playlist. When we kidded and asked if she knew who Michael Jackson was, Sabrina responded (no joke):
A boy who plays with hot dogs.
I love when a moment of randomness meets of moment of (alleged) truth.
And calm down MJ supporters; I'm sure Sabrina was simply referring to the Nathan's stand he kept at Neverland Ranch for Visitor’s Day.
At Last…The Secret Revealed! “It’s Not About the Hot Dogs; It’s About The BUNS. TEE HEE.”
(Photo: wn.com)
Chaos is Beautiful. And Googly-Eyed.
Above her bed, Sabrina has a hammock where several dozen stuffed animals reside. She loves to take them down one by one and throw them onto her floor. She’s done this more times than I’d care to count.
And each time when she’s done, it looks like the Apocalypse hit Sesame Street.
If the Apocalypse Occurs After Labor Day, Don't Be Caught Dead Wearing White.
I chalked this up to silly childhood behavior until I actually asked Sabrina why she liked to do this. Her response:
I think it looks nice.
Who’d have thought that the complete and final destruction of existence would look so damn…Muppet-y?
Say What You Want About Nike Labor Practices, But When It Allows Its Child Workers to Also DESIGN The Shoes, Everyone Wins.
(Photo: mediadump.com)
Which brings us to our final Sabrina Rule for today:
If You Put Lipstick on a Pig, It Becomes a Much Prettier Pig.
Pick up a small rock and look at it. It has no personality whatsoever.
Sabrina sees what can be. She collects the rocks, paints them, glues on feathers and then gives them out as special gifts to friends. And that's a wonderful lesson for anyone of any age.
It’s amazing how much we can learn from the simple acts of a toddler. My child is a genius.
And so is yours.
But please don’t brag about it. Unless you have a sloppy drunk Editor riding your a** about an artificial deadline. Damn you, stupid Editor!
[Editor’s Note: When the Apocalypse hits, I’m quitting this thankless job.]
Go Gaga for the Apocalypse! This Thursday, on ABC.
(Photo: ABC TV)
Just Do It!
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