Toys R Us Doesn't Serve Swedish Meatballs (and an Ice Cream Sandwich Whacked My Kneecaps)
Ten years ago, I briefly dated a girl who had a powder blue Care Bear icon as her AOL Instant Messenger picture. And like any sane being, I made fun of her for this crime against humanity.
In fairness, she said she couldn’t see the picture or didn’t realize it was there. But each time we communicated electronically, that 1x1 bear-square would mock me with its saccharine innocence.
So on our first date, I decided to buy a stuffed Care Bear from the toy store and have it buckled into the passenger seat when I arrived to pick her up.
(Editors Note: How Many Idiots Does it Take to Waste $19.95 for a two-and-a-half-second joke? Just One.)
As I waited on line at Toys "R" Us, a mom and her daughter—named Alexis—stood behind me.
Why on earth would I remember the name of a 5-year old girl who stood behind me on line for 25 seconds in 2004?
So very glad you asked. As I noticed from a casual glance to my left, the mom was on the phone, very flustered and paying no mind to her offspring. Alexis, sitting in the large area of the shopping cart, didn’t seem to mind, for that day she was the lucky recipient of a brand new Slinky.
Maybe it was a prize for cleaning her room that morning. Maybe it was an early birthday gift. But I’ll tell you what Alexis wasn’t being rewarded for that day: finishing her oatmeal.
Apparently, Alexis was in dire need of roughage, for by the time I looked at her, she had engaged in the process of eating nearly half of the cardboard box the Slinky was packaged in. Did I mention this was not a Slinky Jr.?
As I watched the scene unfold in front of me like a bad sitcom on UPN, Alexis' mom had a three-fold reaction to her daughter's toy-store snack.
A first sentence, spoken by Mommy with a mix of embarrassment and horror, was a completely appropriate response from a responsible (albeit otherwise distracted) parent:
Alexis, don't eat the box!!
The 2nd sentence is a different story. For true effect, allow me to reprint both statements in order:
Alexis, don't eat the box!! Mommy hasn't PAID for it yet!
Now, I don’t know if this woman was just flustered from her phone call and didn't have time to choose her words with care. Or if perhaps her recipe book includes corrugated cupcakes and loose-leaf lasagna. But clearly the woman’s previous frustration affected her response to Alexis’ cardboard consumption.
And the trifecta response was complete when Mommy took the Slinky away and said “Now you don’t get one!”
Sadly, I didn’t stay long enough to see if Alexis took the Slinky home. I’m guessing the bigger problem was scanning the barcode through her stomach lining.
A few years later, I found myself at an IKEA purchasing items for my office conference room.
In the pick-up waiting area, there is a snack bar of questionable repute (Going to IKEA for food is like asking Charles Manson to plan a bridal shower. Sure, you can do it, but you’re really gonna regret the decision in about an hour).
Waiting for a pick-up alongside me was a 30’s-ish British couple, with two young boys who looked to be around 2 and 4-years old. The 2-year old sat in the shopping cart, while his older brother stood nearby.
The two little Lingonberries were bored, loud and rambunctious, ignoring their parents’ desperate pleas for civilized behavior, when their mum devised a plan to combat this insolence, a plan brilliantly entitled “Soft-Serve Ice Cream Cones Will Keep These Little F@*kers Occupied Until We’re Called to Pick-up our Grundtals and Ödmjuks”.
Daddy returned with 2 cones, one for each of his pint-sized umlauts. The younger child, apparently not schooled in the ways of holding a dessert treat the size of his right femur, dropped his cone on the floor and let out an apocalyptic scream. To silence his little hellhound, Daddy—clearly frustrated— decided the best course of immediate action was to take the cone away from the now-calm older sibling (!) and give it to Whiny the Younger.
As you might expect, the 4-year began to lose his skärpt and started screaming even louder than his brother. This prompted the younger hellion to smash his newfound frozen booty on top of his older brother’s head, rendering them both, effectively, cone-less.
The screams could now be heard from heard from Newark to Norrköping.
What have we learned today?
First, big box retailers provide a ready source of empty calories. Although next time, Alexis, if you gnaw on the Slinky at least you might get some iron.
And second, when we're flustered we can let our emotions get the better of us. Not everyone displays grace under pressure every time. The goal isn’t to be a robot; it’s to try to exercise sound objective judgment no matter the circumstance.
There is precious little in this life we can control, but one thing within our power is how we act—and how we REACT—to our environment. This skill defines us—in life, in love and in business. And it’s something we can all work on. Don’t be ruled by your emotions.
Sadly, I don't know what's become of the children from our stories.
My guess is Alexis works in the recycling industry and the IKEA Insolents knock over grocery stores for ice cream sandwiches. I just hope there’s more than one Chipwich left when they get there.