I Want a Baby! (and Can You Get Russell Crowe to Fix My Damn Vacuum?)

Need some quick advice on having a baby? Avoid dating serial killers and use the Windex sparingly.

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So you want to have a baby?

First step: find someone to have sex with.

Ah, I hear the chorus of voices saying “No Fooling, Sherlock” (I actually hear its scatological equivalent).

So please allow me to share the Second step for all the Holm-ies:  you need to find the RIGHT PERSON at the RIGHT TIME to be your mate, and then you can have that sex and make that baby.

In other words, I think the only couples who should have children are those who get along really, really well.  

Holmes:  Watson, Does A Bear Bathe In The Woods?    

Watson:  No...S*%t, Sherlock.

(Photo: Universal Picures)

To be clear, I’m not passing judgment on single women who want to have a baby via artificial insemination or adoption (assuming they aren’t raving lunatics).

What I’m saying is, when two people choose to raise a wee little one, the chances of that child having a normal, healthy upbringing increase dramatically when that couple is compatible.

So, what are the odds you’ll find a person compatible enough to want to spend your life with, let alone to make a baby?  Try this exercise:

Go find a coin. Examine it closely. Is the coin two-sided?  

Well, the odds of you finding that right person at the right time are just slightly better than finding a ONE-sided coin.

But we did say “better than”, so hang on to that glimmer of hope and go forth with those grand love expectations, you utterly hopeless romantics.

Odds of The Romantics Having Another Hit? Utterly Hopeless.

(Photo: naturalbornelegance.com)

So why do I believe that the only couples who should have children are compatible ones?

Children are like Dyson vacuums, sucking in everything they see and hear (and both take up far too much room in the hall closet).  For instance, if parents are always fighting—a sign of incompatibility--a child will process this as “that’s the way I should communicate with others”.

I believe the best gift you can give a child is a happy relationship with the other parent.  And if those parents are fundamentally compatible, it is far more likely they will treat each other with respect and consideration.  And that will create a fulfilling and content home life for all concerned.  

Show your child what’s possible and he or she will come to expect that as they develop.

And, yes, even the best romantic relationships have road bumps. But there are two types of problems in relationships: situational and philosophical.

Situational is of-the-moment, temporary, relatively easy to get around.  For instance, she wants to paint the bedroom walls violet; he likes grey.  Or you’re having money problems and this creates tension in the household.

Of themselves, these are issues that can generally be resolved with patience, communication and compromise.  

But when there is a clear fundamental divide in world-view—real, true philosophical differences—then you’ve got a big problem and perhaps making babies shouldn’t be on your menu.  

If she‘s a die-hard Catholic and you’re a close-minded atheist, make sure you use capital letters to spell “UH-OH, WE’RE TRULY F*%KED”.  Or she campaigns for pot smoking in grammar schools and he wants to bring back chain gangs (i.e. radical vs. reactionary), please, just run the opposite way from each other before breeding.

Both Really Suck for About the First 6 Months.

(Photo: itelegraph.co.uk)

So how do you know if there are philosophical differences Hopefully, it’s apparent at the outset.

The first line of defense is the very first date. Notice how many first dates there are? That’s because the issues are laid out on the table and one or both of you wants to say “please bring us the dessert menu” before the appetizer arrives.

First dates are an excellent filter for fundamental lack of compatibility. And let’s face it—most people are simply not compatible.

So what if the first date is a smashing success and the great dates keep on coming? Why, look, it’s our old friend Mr. Infatuation making a guest-starring visit to the show.

I always cringe when people who have been together for a week-and-a-half say “I’m in love!” or the always eye-roll inducing, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone”. 

The problem becomes that people are so enamored in the infatuation phase (in love with love!) that they mistake this euphoria—generally in the first three months of dating—as a substitute for true romantic compatibility.

Infatuation is like Windex – it has a way of dissolving all the past streaks of hurt, anger or indifference.

But infatuation does serve another important purpose: it carries you through to the next relationship milepost, what I call the Three-Month Weigh Station (or 3MWS, because I think that looks really cool).

Mr. Portokalos is completely infatuated with Windex. And variations of the name “Nick”.

(Photo: Playtone/ Gold Circle Films)

Ever notice how many relationships hit a wall at about the three-month point?

At or around the three-month mark, we tire of the charade and start acting like our normal selves. We also start to let out reality smoke signals to see how the other person will respond.  And that’s fine and fair; we should own who we are and if that’s not good enough for the other person, you should both move on.

Until that time, though, we are on our best behavior. We scrub behind our ears, watch our language and tuck away the serial killer thoughts as best we can.

But we can’t hide the blood stains forever.

3MWS is simply another excellent opportunity for filtering out a potentially bad coupling.

Windex. The Official Blood Stain Remover of Moms and Serial Killers Everywhere.

(Photo: Showtime Networks)

Your final lesson for today involves a little-known concept--mainly because I just invented it--called Relationship Credibility, also known as RelCred.

Being so new to the concept, you have yet to appreciate its finer subtleties, such as the RelCred Timeline. Here’s how it works:

1st Three Months of a Relationship:  NO RELCRED WHATSOEVER!!!  (So please don’t bother us with your “holding-hands-and-making-all-kinds-of-plans” rubbish yet).

Three Months to Six Months:  Still no RelCred. (But notice that we’re now using lower case letters, which seems to indicate you’re getting closer).

Post-Six Months:  Welcome to RelCred, you silly lovebirds.

One-Year Anniversary:  Your love is so damn special and unique that your relationship is awarded the highest honor…Retroactive RelCred, which means you actually get credibility credit for that first 6 months. Tell me it wasn’t worth the wait?

For you graphic-heads, here is a detailed visual representation of the Timeline, painstakingly drawn in Microsoft Paint by renowned pop artist, Martin J. Beaverton:

(Photo: Martin J. Beaverton)

And what if you get into a relationship with good intentions and it evolves to seeming compatibility but for some reason you lose that mutuality despite trying to make it last (e.g. grow apart)?

And worse, what if that happens AFTER you have a child?

The answer is simple, assuming you tried your best to work it out: end it. Break-up. Get a divorce. Yeah, that’s right. Read it again. It’s ok to admit defeat. Two happy but separate parents are way better than two miserable people living under the same roof. 

An equation, perhaps:

2 Happy Homes > 1 Crappy Home

(I love this new math!)

So choose your mate wisely. But take heed in knowing there may be a few unsightly detours before you find your true love to make all those babies with.

Those Gladiators Sure Know That New Math. Now Fix My Stupid Dyson, Genius!

(Photo: Imagine Entertainment)